Good one ...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Actual courtroom quotes
I got this years ago ... a list of some classic courtroom moments. Enjoy.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo before the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: 'What disco am I at?'
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
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Q: Did he kill you?
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Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
***********************************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Getting Faced On People's Court
You should really consider if you need to be a lawyer if you lose and get humiliated by the judge on The People's Court. You should really be able to win there. Every time.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Tazing the Bailiff
Okay, I want a reality show of this courthouse. The defendant tries to kick his own lawyer, the bailiff gets tazed, and then just look at the outfit they concoct!
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Justice is blind ... and naked
You have the right to remain silent. And to get naked. And to kneal down on the ground. Awkwardly. Do you understand your rights?
Note to Defendants: Never Call a Judge a "B*tch in a Robe."
Seriously. Just don't. And don't do that whole bit about wishing the prosecutor was stillborn. Doesn't help.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Now That's Commitment
I had a distraught young man ask me to represent him in a divorce. He loved his wife very much; so much so that he had her name tattooed in very large (very, very large!) letters between his elbow and his wrist on the inside of his forearm.
When she broke it off, it was more than he could take. One day at court, he told me, almost weeping:
"I loved that woman. I stuck everything I had into her."
When she broke it off, it was more than he could take. One day at court, he told me, almost weeping:
"I loved that woman. I stuck everything I had into her."
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Lit Up
Many times, you think your lawyer is drunk in court, but this lawyer took that concept to a whole new level. This judge deserves a place in heaven for her fair and even-handed treatment of the man, who just can't keep everything straight. Cringe-worthy.
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Clients Say The Funniest Things, Part Two
Some more quotes:
- A man said, "The insurance company said our policy collapsed. We never got no notice it collapsed!"
- A lady said that her agreement was in "verbal writing."
- A man said he read of a legal case where a lady had made "deflammatory acquisitions" and was ordered by the judge to make "restitory" statements.
- A man wondered why his neighbors in a road dispute did not get a "cist and deceased" order (cease and desist).
- A subcontractor had not been paid, but said he had signed a "waive liener." (Lien waiver)
- A man urged his brother to sign a medical power of attorney, because he was sure his brother would not want to be in a "vegetarian state."
All of this is true ...
... to the best of my recollection. People do say and do funny things. And it's up to us to remember them and never, ever let them forget.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Guaranteed Low Prices?
Watch a hospital CEO try to justify marking up an item 8000% on a hospital bill ...
Monday, November 16, 2009
Size Matters (language)
We once saw a citizen's complaint for a peeping tom incident. The girl worked at a convenience store, and she was chronicling the incident.
"... and then he pulled out his ..." and the lady wrote "Dick." Then she crossed out "Dick." Then she wrote "pecker."
Is there a size differential between the two? Was "pecker" the more formal term? Questions we still haven't answered.
"... and then he pulled out his ..." and the lady wrote "Dick." Then she crossed out "Dick." Then she wrote "pecker."
Is there a size differential between the two? Was "pecker" the more formal term? Questions we still haven't answered.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
More from Washington State
Once again, Clint Morgan, a partner at the Morgan Hill law firm in Olympia, Washington has a story:
A client of mine told me that his cousin was "almost an attorney," he was, in fact, a "notary republic." The family must be very proud, to have a family member who actually embodies a hitherto unknown form of government.
A client of mine told me that his cousin was "almost an attorney," he was, in fact, a "notary republic." The family must be very proud, to have a family member who actually embodies a hitherto unknown form of government.
Friday, November 13, 2009
A Freudian Quip
When I was first practicing law, I had a very unfortunate case where a young man was injured in a car wreck and had a traumatic brain injury. The parents had divorced many years before, and everyone was still tense. It was an awful situation all around.
The father wanted to discontinue life support immediately, The mother, whom I represented, wanted to wait a little while, basically hoping for a miracle. We contested the father's move to discontinue. I told the father's attorney that I felt he could not be the decision-maker, since he was the beneficiary of a small life insurance policy. This was met with a snide, "p-shaw" from the father's attorney.
She put her client up on the stand, and led him through some introductory questions. Then she got down to business:
"Mr. X," she said, in a syrupy sweet tone of voice, "I understand you are here today to ask the judge to discontinue life insurance ........ I mean, life support."
The father wanted to discontinue life support immediately, The mother, whom I represented, wanted to wait a little while, basically hoping for a miracle. We contested the father's move to discontinue. I told the father's attorney that I felt he could not be the decision-maker, since he was the beneficiary of a small life insurance policy. This was met with a snide, "p-shaw" from the father's attorney.
She put her client up on the stand, and led him through some introductory questions. Then she got down to business:
"Mr. X," she said, in a syrupy sweet tone of voice, "I understand you are here today to ask the judge to discontinue life insurance ........ I mean, life support."
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Deposition at the OK Corral (language)
Joe Jamail was a ten-foot tall Texas trial lawyer (part of the University of Texas football stadium is named for him). Here is one helluva deposition:
Friday, October 30, 2009
Deposed
Thursday, October 29, 2009
More than they wanted ...
My Clients Say Funny Things Too
While I haven't practiced law since the 60s like my dad, I also have had a few clients say and do some funny stuff. Here are a few of my memories:
- I won a case for a man accused of ... ahem ... exposing himself to a Casey's employee. He then asked if he could sue her for, "slander, you know, interrupting my characteristic."
- One client said he didn't want to run afoul of the "Environmental Collection Agency."
- I had a young and emotional divorce client. He felt he had given his all to his marriage. He tearily said, "I stuck everything I had into that woman."
- I once had a man ask me over the phone if I gave a free initial confrontation.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Observations from Washington State
My friend Clint Morgan, a partner at the Morgan Hill law firm in Olympia, Washington, came up with some of his clients' best stuff:
- A consult wanted me to sue another party for "declamation of character."
- A domestic violence victim presented to the court evidence to the court that she was "altercated."
- Many of my clients are in "agreeance" with with the other party.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Boys, boys!
A lawyer's version of a catfight. I love watching the client's face. It's like watching a tennis match:
T-Shirt of the Day
On Monday, October 26, 2009, in the Greene County Judicial Center in Springfield, Missouri, I actually saw a powerfully-built man go into Family Court with a t-shirt that read:
IF I WANT YOUR OPINION,
I WILL BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.
IF I WANT YOUR OPINION,
I WILL BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Clients Say The Funniest Things, Part One
My dad, Robert Wiley, practiced law for almost forty years before going on the bench in 2007. He is an inveterate collector of anything, and so he always kept a great running list of things that clients said to him. There are too many good ones to list all at once, but I'll post them a few at a time here. Here goes:
- A woman said she wanted to have her ex-husband's wages "squashed" (garnished?)
- A woman said her husband had "irresistible" brain damage.
- A man told him about a woman who had cancer, but it was "in remorse."
- A man complained about a car purchase, and said he was taking his complaint to the Bad Business Bureau.
- A woman in a divorce case said she had a problem with bugs, but had them "distinguished."
- A divorce client said her ex-husband's girlfriend's yard was full of "scrubbery" which she got from a "nursing place."
In Case You're Thinking About Suing Satan ...
It's surprising that tort reformers haven't picked up this 1971 gem, whereby Gerald Mayo tried to sue the Dark Master, Satan, for placing deliberate obstacles in his way. Judge Weber, the U.S. District Court Judge for the Western District of Pennsylvania, found against Mr. Mayo, and for the Prince of Darkness, on the following reasoning:
"We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district." (Typical judge: try to make it a narrow decision!) And I don't know if you're a Pirates fan, but there is an argument to be made that Pittsburgh is, in fact, hell.
The judge tried to ship the case to New Hampshire, making a reference to The Devil and Daniel Webster, but in the end, just punted on the whole thing. He did say, however, that the Plaintiff might have been more successful bringing the suit as a class action ...
UNITED STATES ex rel. Gerald MAYO v. SATAN AND HIS STAFF, 54 F.R.D. 282 (1971)
"We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district." (Typical judge: try to make it a narrow decision!) And I don't know if you're a Pirates fan, but there is an argument to be made that Pittsburgh is, in fact, hell.
The judge tried to ship the case to New Hampshire, making a reference to The Devil and Daniel Webster, but in the end, just punted on the whole thing. He did say, however, that the Plaintiff might have been more successful bringing the suit as a class action ...
UNITED STATES ex rel. Gerald MAYO v. SATAN AND HIS STAFF, 54 F.R.D. 282 (1971)
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